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May 23, 2005
astor's seminar on how to talk to the opposite sex
The original discussion, with a lot of good advice from the guys, can be found here.
This is the thread where we discuss how to accomplish your goals where it comes to the opposite sex. Unless your goals are the same as that creepy guy from Hitch, in which case we will slam you into a table.
#1) Treat others the way you want to be treated.
This goes for men and women, your guy friends and your girl friends. You want a stranger who is trying to get to know you to be kind and friendly, so do the same. Don't overdo it, don't act cocky, don't try to be anything other than yourself. It will be evident, particularly if you're inexperienced.
#2) Approach everyone you want to approach with the intent of being FRIENDS ONLY.
At the start, don't even think about romance or sex. Not specific to guys such as Barty and antony, 'cause I know they'd be in search of a real girlfriend, but to a lot of situations with guys out there - they are looking for action. That is an absolute end result that, ideally, should come in the context of a real and beneficial relationship somewhere down the road. So don't think about it. Okay, well, think about it, 'cause you will anyway, but separate your time with your porn collection from the time you spend thinking about Girl X.
Don't use exactly the same approach when trying to talk to the opposite sex as you would when talking to the same sex - in fact it should always be tailored to the sense you get of the individual - but always approach them in a manner you, yourself, would find most friendly and appealing. Your goal here is to make friends, not to make anyone uncomfortable.
If a person ends up being your girlfriend/boyfriend down the road, they started out as a friend, and your friendship should only deepen. So keep in mind to make friends, not 'get a girlfriend'.
#3) Confidence is the sexiest thing on the planet.
I'm not exaggerating in the slightest.
This goes for both women and men. There's a line between confidence and cockiness, usually the fact that the cocky person does not believe in themselves, and the confident person does.
So how to get confidence?
If you're starting out with issues of low self-esteem to begin with, you need to take care of that possibly with some self-therapy that is outside of the advice I can give. Google is your friend. I suffered from it as a young kid, too, even with all the 'accomplishments' I had to my name. I managed to get over it at age 14 at a large youth conference, but everyone must deal with it differently.
If you're starting from the perspective of just being nervous or unsure about approaching people, though, all it takes is practice to get over it. This is, of course, easier said than done. I recommend going to the park, giving a friendly "hi", and smiling at everyone you encounter on the paths. They are there to have fun and relax like you, and people tend to smile back when they're smiled at and in a relaxed mood.
From there casually talking to people gets unbelievably easy. The getting into the groove is the hard part.
#3b) Confidence, cont'd
since I see more needs to be said on the topic. You have some confidence in some things, otherwise you wouldn't be able to go outside or through daily life at all. You need to realise for yourself what those things are and use them to your advantage.
What are you good at? What are you proud of? What are your best physical features? It doesn't matter if you think it's insignificant or you're lacking in any department. Take an honest appraisal of yourself. No matter how down on yourself you feel over your various attributes or accomplishments, believe me, there are dozens of people who live within a few miles of you who would find them endearing when presented in the context of a person they like.
DO NOT be ashamed of your faults. Or, recognise them, but don't be self-conscious of them constantly. We all have them, and they are mostly invisible to most people, even though they are so blatantly obvious to us, ourselves.
Be proud of yourself, and who you are, and what you can do. Don't worry about what you're not, and just know that you're working to achieve what you do not yet have. When you walk around with that upbeat attitude, confident in all aspects of self, it's noticeable, and very appealing. People want to talk to someone who looks pleased and confident. Girls will come up to you, no matter what you look like, if you exude the right aura.
#4) Physical Appearance
Here comes the shallow part. Yes, we all want someone who is full of good on the inside, and we want people to see the good in us. However, to get there, we must first surpass the innate human instinct to rate things based on what they see first: The Outward Appearance.
This has nothing to do with cosmetic surgery or six-pack abs or fake tans/hair dyes. Personally, I hate that stuff, and am attracted to guys who do not fake themselves up - but still look good.
I'm talking about how you put yourself together. What do you want to attract? Do you like the girl next door look? Then you'd better dress like the handsome neighbor guy, who'd get that girl.
- Take some attention with your hair. Like I said, I don't like overdone, but I don't like "in need of haircut, just rolled out of bed" look either. Make it look nice.
- Make sure your clothes are clean and, if necessary, pressed. Buy and wear stuff that looks good on you, which isn't necessarily the latest fashion.
- Pay attention to how to stand, sit, and walk. Always keep in mind how you're presenting yourself. Do you think it's appealing to people?
- Lastly, physical fitness is important. Forget freakin' models and movie stars, go for health - and they're usually not. It doesn't matter if you think you're overweight or too skinny, but being in good health is important for so many other reasons than the fact that it shows up in everything about you. Find an exercise you like - or at least can tolerate - and work up a sweat and elevate your heartbeat a minimum of 30 mins a day. Work your way up gradually.
Keep in mind, when looking at people, that they are reacting the same way to their environment - they have a million things they think are wrong with themselves, they want to look good, and they are checking others out as well. The foundation of your physical presence, listed above - the base of everything you present when you go out in public - is so much more important than the details you worry about.
#5) How girls (and anybody) want people to approach them
To know how to talk to people, you must first recognise how people want to be treated. To recognise how people want to be treated, you need to be able to tell how the other person feels. This may take some work on people skills that is, again, outside of the advice I can give. But it's something else that all it takes is practice. Talk to people, all kinds of different people, as often as you can. Being an introvert is the last thing that's going to get you into the relationship you want. It's hard, believe me I know. But it's necessary. You MUST learn to put yourself in the other person's shoes, see where they're coming from, and what they want.
The problem I see in the way a lot of guys approach a girl is they are only thinking about themselves, obsessing over how they sound, how they look, so worried and wrapped up in whether she'll like it that they don't think about her for a second. And it's obvious. If you focus all your attention on the dynamic between you two as you approach, and the chemistry, and probe deeply into how she feels and all the things on her mind at the moment - you will have no time or room to obsess over these things. And it makes you appear selfless, which is good.
As for physical realities, here's some guidelines.
a - Keep your distance. If you are going up to someone you don't know to ask something, keep a particular distance and comfort zone between you. Of course if she's this really cute chick you want to get closer. But think about what she wants. I sometimes will stand just a few inches farther away than I should.. it gives me a reason to draw a bit closer if the conversation continues, which is very subtle but very effective. However, if in doubt, it's much better to be slightly too far away than slightly too close.
b - Stand submissively to them. If you're approaching someone to ask a question, you want to appear humble before them. Give a shy smile (THESE ARE SOOO EFFECTIVE!!!!) and angle your face down so that your eyes are looking ever so slightly up at them. Tilt your head slightly to the left or right while doing so - practice in a mirror. Keep your arms firmly down at your sides, be in all ways non-threatening, non-blustery.
c - Make the person feel appreciated for the time they spend in talking to you. This goes for whomever you approach, whenever. If you're asking for the time, make them feel good for giving it to you. Be very gracious and appreciative. Once you've approached and asked in that humble manner outlined above, smile like their telling you just made you day, say "Thanks!" or "Thank you!" whichever suits your particular style better, and walk away.
The important thing to distinguish between is watching for how they feel about you vs. how you feel about how you think they feel about you. The initial and natural inclination for too many guys is to pay attention to only the latter, which is selfish and can make you come off as stilted, awkward, and unsure. Devote all your attention to the former, which comes off as selfless, natural, and appealing.
#6) What to say
Same rule as previously mentioned applies regarding concentration on how the other person feels in general about everything, not how you think they feel about you. It's going to affect everything that comes out of your mouth.
The goal here is to make someone feel good for talking to you - so that they want to do it again.
Here, obviously, what you actually say is going to be dependent on the situation, the girl, and you. But In General:
- Be interested in the other person. Don't act interested. Don't think about stuff about yourself to say to them. Devote your interest to them and what's going on in their mind and their world. Remember, you are making a friend here. You want to know what is up with them.
- Be interesting. Don't worry if you think you're boring. Every single person out there has stories and experiences to relate that others don't, and every person has something to teach others. If the other person is telling you a story about situations you cannot possibly have any knowledge of, express your fascination and how new such things are to you. The person will think you're a great conversationalist, even though you have nothing to add. If the person is telling you things you do have some knowledge of, add your experience when they're done talking for a minute and just as it is relevant to theirs. Of course, if the other person presses you for more, tell more.
- Do not get too close the first time talking to someone. Keep a gentle, friendly type of distance. There are rare exceptions of course, like Lucky's experience related above. If things progress to where it's rather intense of a sudden, that's all good (just keep in mind it may fizzle fast, too. Easy come, easy go). But for the most part you're going to always want to keep it light and friendly at least on the surface. Underneath, of course, she should be fantasizing about you already, but pretend to have NO knowledge of that fact. Patience is very, very important.
- Always leave them wanting more. That means that if you're running out of things to say, or you're getting very tired, but you're still thus far enjoying the conversation - find a way to delicately cut out before you stall the conversation flat or turn into a zombie. You have to go somewhere 'cause you have a previous commitment that absolutely cannot be gotten around, and you really regret having to leave them, but you must.
#7) Getting a phone number
If you meet this person someplace it's unlikely you'll see them again, you must have a strong connection before you ask for the number - otherwise you are risking rejection, which sucks. In other words, chances are kinda low. I don't recommend going this route. I have made some strong immediate connections with guys I met someplace, and they're good memories, but in a kind of LiT way - it doesn't really have a chance outside of context.
If this is someone you have classes with or otherwise where you'll see them fairly often, it is in no way necessary to try to rush for getting it. I mean, you're going to see them anyway. Now you just want your friendship with them to grow. Get to where the other person is looking forward to talking to you all the time anyway. The number part should be a natural progression of the relationship.
For more great advice, look to that thread - I've linked to some posts from some guys who know what they're talking about right up top.
Posted by astor at May 23, 2005 06:04 PM