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May 24, 2005
George Lucas' shooting script for Revenge of the Sith
Prologue
A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away, George Lucas created a trilogy of films that weren't half bad. Many years and many billions of dollars later, greed forced the power-hungry Lord Lucas to turn to The Dark Side (action figure sold separately). Using his evil Sith powers of Bad Direction and Sloppy Writing, he made two prequels and a lot of stupid judgement calls. In his quest to complete the corruption of his cinematic universe, Lord Lucas has summoned forth a third prequel...
PAN DOWN TO an elaborate dogfight with giant spaceships.
ANAKIN
Hey, this is surprisingly cool!
OBI WAN
Oh, yeah? We can still find a way to ruin it...
ENEMY PILOT
Fire the World's Stupidest Idea for a Missile!
The World's Stupidest Idea for a Missile is launched, and explodes into lots of small, mildly effective robots.
ANAKIN
Quick! We must reference a line from the other movies to save some face!
OBI WAN
"I don't like sand. It's coarse and rough and irritating and it gets everywhere. Not like here. Here everything is soft and smooth."
ANAKIN
I meant the OT.
OBI WAN
Oh. "I have a bad feeling about this."
THE AUDIENCE
So do we.
CUT TO:
ANAKIN is hanging from a ledge in an elevator shaft. Two droids are standing over him.
DROID 1
Should we shoot him?
DROID 2
Negatory. We should wait until the elevator comes back up here and hits us.
DROID 1
Good idea.
THE DROIDS get hit by the elevator.
CUT TO:
R2D2's speaker making lots of loud noises.
DROID 3
Should we investigate that?
DROID 4
Nah, I'm pretty sure we've been programmed to ignore suspicious noises.
GEORGE LUCAS
Look! R2 is toasting some bad guys! I totally know how to please the fans! That's much more satisfying than a good story!
CUT TO:
DROID 5
Sir, we have captured the two Jedi.
GENERAL GRIEVOUS
Good. Bring them up here to the control room where they can do the most damage. Apparently we forgot to build a prison cell when we made this thing.
GRIEVOUS coughs loudly.
ANAKIN
How can a robot have asthma?
GRIEVOUS
(Smashes the window and jumps out into space)
I'm not a robot, I'm a cyborg! I still have lungs!
OBI WAN
Then how can you breathe in space?
GRIEVOUS
Curses!
Christopher Lee makes a pointless appearance.
CHRISTOPHER LEE
Hey, at least you get to see me die in this trilogy.
CUT TO:
An hour of boring political subterfuge.
CUT TO:
YODA
I've got a bad feeling about Darth Vader.
OBI WAN
He's not Darth Vader. He's just a very naughty boy.
YODA
Even though I really should be doing more important things, I think I'll go and visit the Wookies.
CUT TO:
CHEWBACCA
Yoda, this is my dad, Itchy, and my son, Lumpy.
YODA
How do you Wookies manage to pronounce those names?
GEORGE LUCAS
See! Lots of Wookies! Told you I knew how to please fans!
CUT TO:
OBI WAN is trying to sneak up on GENERAL GRIEVOUS.
OBI WAN
I think this feathered iguana will be perfect for a stealth mission seeing as it's the largest, clumsiest and loudest mode of transport available.
GRIEVOUS
I have four arms!
OBI WAN
Ok, that is pretty cool.
CUT TO:
ANAKIN
I'm having blurry dreams about Padme dying.
THE GUY WHO'S OBVIOUSLY THE EMPEROR
Kill a bunch of kids. That'll fix it.
ANAKIN
Done. Thanks, Emperor.
THE GUY WHO'S OBVIOUSLY THE EMPEROR
I'm not The Emperor yet.
ANAKIN
Sorry.
CUT TO:
More boring political subterfuge.
CUT TO:
EMPEROR
You should totally go to the lava planet.
ANAKIN
Is that where lava lamps come from?
EMPEROR
I hope so.
CUT TO:
PADME
Why the hell did you come to a lava planet?
ANAKIN
You know, now that I'm here, it really doesn't look as nice as the brochure.
PADME
Hey! I brought Obi Wan!
OBI WAN
This is the bit where you become Darth Vader. But it says here that I've still got to try to convince you otherwise.
ANAKIN
No way! The Jedi are evil! Much more evil than that guy who told me to kill some children.
OBI WAN
That doesn't make sense.
ANAKIN
Neither does being on a lava planet!
They fight. Anakin's legs get chopped off.
ANAKIN
It's just a flesh wound!
He catches fire.
ANAKIN
Serves me right for coming to a fucking lava planet.
CUT TO:
PADME is giving birth to twins.
DOCTOR ROBOT
Even though she's perfectly fine, she appears to be dying of a plot device.
OBI WAN
It's a boy.
PADME
Luke.
OBI WAN
The other one's a girl.
PADME
Leia.
OBI WAN
But she's only a few minutes old!
CUT TO
THE EMPEROR
You're just lucky we had this Darth Vader suit sitting around.
DARTH VADER
Now I sound like James Earl Jones.
CUT TO:
Padme's funeral.
JAR-JAR BINKS
Meesa sad.
GEORGE LUCAS
Quiet. You don't talk in this one.
CUT TO:
THE EMPEROR and DARTH VADER stand looking out at the skeleton of the Death Star.
EMPEROR
Look, honey, one day this will be our home.
DARTH VADER
What? The curtains?
And they lived happily ever after. THE END.
Posted by astor at May 24, 2005 11:57 AM