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July 09, 2005
The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (2003)
by Grouchy
Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Marcus Nispel, 2003
At one point in this remake, the severed head of Harry Knowles shows up in a jar in Leatherface's basement. I'm sure that has some pop culture self-reflexive meaning somewhere. Flew over my head, I guess.
Ok. Where do I begin? This movie took two years to open in my country, but it was meanwhile available on DVD for anyone who bothered to rent it. I didn't bother because I wanted to see the original before watching the remake and I couldn't find that on DVD. A friend rented this one, said it was the best Horror movie he'd ever seen and tried to talk me into watching it before the original, "which is not even on DVD". I waited and, just when it was opening in theaters and going watch it with him was unavoidable, I rented it on VHS. Smartest thing I ever did in my life after discovering hand-rolled cigarettes.
If you want to watch this movie before the '74 Hooper, well, don't. Seriously. Texas Chainsaw Massacre IS one of the best Horror movies I've personally seen. Relentless, crazy, macabre, it takes tension to a point where it becomes unbearable and then drops the audience in the middle of nowhere. It refuses a satisfying conclusion and, after having you on the edge of your seat for close to two hours, it just fades and it's a genuinely disturbing moment when the credits start rolling. It's bold, creative, intense and intelligent. The monsters in it are stand-ins for a satire of Richard Nixon, but don't think it's a heavily political or social movie in a George Romero sense. It's mostly about its own style and the different levels of total fucked-upness it invokes.
The remake, orchestrated by Michael Bay and directed by some guy, it's everything the original is not. Dumb, derivative, unsurprising, sledge-hammering points over your head and, most of all, so damn tired of itself. There's not a well-intentioned spark of cinema during the whole footage. The only thing genuinely disturbing about it is that some guy, just for the cash, decided to eat a Horror classic and vomit this into a screen.
You'll tell me whining about Hollywood remakes was old when my great-grandma could help to perpetuate the human species. But this is so offensive I can't shut up. The worst thing is that maybe, if someone had actually bothered to put his heart into this movie, it could've turned out more than a little decent. There are some scattered new ideas around, but they don't go anywhere, they're there just because. The cinematographer is the same as in the original and he does a very good job of creating a '70s feel in a modern reel.
Ask anyone who has seen Texas Chainsaw Massacre only once, long enough to forget about it, and they'll remember lots of violence. I tested it with my uncle. Truth is, there wasn't so much, the budget could probably not afford it. But the movie was so well-directed that you remember shock where there was only a hint of it and a bunch of chainsaw murders when there was only one, blurred by darkness. This movie distances itself from that minimalist approach and shows you everything you don't really need to see. Not because it's even remotely shocking or disturbing, just because they can do it. There's a very clear close shot of Leatherface with no mask, there is even some unnecessary background to make him appear like the misunderstood child (LAME - monsters are far scarier when you can't sympathize with them, learn from Ringu, at least that movie left it for the sequel) and a half-arsed thing about the police discovering the murders which ends up on one of the lamest last minute shocks in history.
Just spare yourself. I've seen a better Texas Chainsaw Massacre remake. Much better, actually. Rob Zombie's House of 1000 Corpses. It's the pop-culture infused Massacre, a freakshow parade that's wildly hilarious and unbelievable tense for all of its intentional camp. Now that's the way you approach existing great material to do something new. Not this. This is crap.
This is so crap.
Posted by astor at July 9, 2005 10:42 PM